Chicks With Guitars

Ok, so this isn't really unintentional porn. It is quite intentional, and mostly safe for work with the exception of the odd nipple-slip. Big deal, you say? Well, guitars are quite phallic (and in my mind, everything is either phallic or boob-shaped), and if you can get a barely-dressed woman to hold something that resembles that member, even better. I think it crosses a psycological line that men instantly recognize...and women really hope does not exist.

The problem becomes choosing which unintentional porn photo/video to select for the blog, along with the attendant questions assocated with that post. Do women understand that pretty much anything involving a picture of them can - and will - be used as wank material?

So, the first "chicks with guitars" [and I use that term out of historical usage - any one who can rawk - regardless of gender - has earned my praise] post goes to Tuuli - a now defunct Canadian band that came to my attention because of their presence on the Maple Music label (whose most prominent signed band are the Cowboy Junkies). I think...well, I think all four members are hawt. And...they can play - granted, it is on the lighter side, but what the hey. I'll go more hardcore next time. But a big thumbs up to Tuuli - they bring back some respect back to the word "talent".

Exercise is just another word for "perverted"

I hate the gym. I don't like going, I don't really like the whole concept. About the best part of the gym is watching people in workout clothes hunt for the closest parking spot. But I apparently like exercise devices because this is the third exercise device I've discovered that appeals to my sense on unintentional porn. I rate this one as the lowest of the three (I love the iGallop so much, I might get one for Mrs. Unintentional Porn Wife #1 for Christmas just so I could watch her on it...) but it is still worthy of note.

This one is the Easy Curves device. Easy Curves is a spring loaded workout device resembling....um...a rod. A woman can use the "rod" for "sculpting a beautiful bustline through a full range of motion." Watching the video I'd guess it also has a second effect: makes it so a woman can get a good grip on your long, thin, spring loaded device. Which is useful too when you really think about. If there is one thing the Easy Curves delivers, it is the complete package. Brilliant!

Click on the link to video and photos as the owner appears to be rather protective of their copyright. For the perverted lawyers out there, you can also view the patent.

What Kind of Party Is This?

I really got a chuckle out of the Disney Princess who will come to your party that I posted yesterday. To be fair, the actress/entrepreneur who advertises herself on this site makes it perfectly clear on the site's home page that her services are for children's parties. But then, our site is about the "unintentional," and the first time I found this picture, I swore it was for an adult site. Fetish is all about fun, after all, and the closing line of that page says, "The Little Mermaid can do all the activities." What activities she can do is not specified on that page. Coming into the site and bypassing the home page like I did might create a different first impression. Someone organizing a "special party" or Disney Fetishists Convention might look to have Tinkerbell, Sleeping Beauty, or to "Bring a piece of Oz to your party" (careful how you pronounce Oz) with Dorothy. I'm sure this lady is very nice and provides great entertainment at children's parties. Children's theater is a lot of work, especially when the kids are yelling, throwing things, or not into the show. Plus, this girl appears to be the only on-stage talent for this company. Power to her. I do suggest that she update her website banner so that certain weirdos don't stumble on to the site thinking it's something it's not. Also, don't write your bio in the third person. That is weird, despite the lovely photo. Piece of Oz indeed.

How'd We Get to That?

Herbal Essences defined their brand by being "unintentionally" sexy. It's never explained why washing hair with Herbal Essences makes women climax anytime, anywhere, but that's not the point. It's also convenient that someone's always in earshot so that everybody enjoys the girl getting off. The example below (with bonus Australian accent!) is filled with the oops-I'm-naughty dialogue, adding comedy to deflect any guilt felt listening to a hot model get her rocks off. Closing line and the expression from the goofy male part of the couple clearly takes away from the "unintentional," but bear with me.



This is smart advertising in that people have a distinct association with Herbal Essences thanks to these ads. At least their marketing department gets the joke. Other marketing bits start off with (probably) no sex in mind but evolve into something else. Case in point: Erin Esurance. Do a Google image search and you'll find plenty of not-safe-for-work links. The esurance website has designed a virtual pad for any voyeur to peek into her life; click on the "Erin's World" tab and you can even read her Secret Diary! Don't expect anything titillating from the esurance site, but rest assured, there's plenty of other online places to find sexed-up renderings of a cartoon character. Even in the storyboards of the company that creates the commercials (frame 5 especially).

Intentional or unintentional? Maybe that question is also not the point. It's just interesting that something seemingly innocent could evolve into something very sexually charged. Know what I mean?

There appears to be some confusion here...

Mrs. Unintentional Porn Wife #1 occasionally drags my sorry arse to the mall. I don't like malls and never have. When I was a teenager I didn't like them because I was awkward (ok, a total effing geek), and I don't like them now that I'm in my 30's because I'm "that guy". I'm getting a little close to 40 to be attractive to MILFs, I've long since become creepy to women under the age of 22, and your average 28 year old woman thinks married guys approaching 40 have far more money than I have. Pretty much everyone thinks I'm lame.

Which gives me one solution: head to Brookstone or the now-departed Sharper Image and check out the useless overpriced junk that will be in tomorrow's bargan bin. One of those items? the $299 (was $599 - guess this isn't that necessary in a recession when a lap dance is $20) iGallop. It is an exercise device. Seriously. Apparently some doctor (or other dirty-minded individual) decided that riding horses was a great abdominal exercise. And since horses are expensive to feed and they crap a ton, what better way to give the masses a way to experience the same exercise than a device that mimics the motion of a horse - of course! Pretty much just a lightweight home mechanical bull for wimpy soccer moms that couldn't possibly stay on a mechanical bull even if it was controlled by John Travolta; but heck, the results are the same. Unfortunately, a white t-shirt and bucket of cold water isn't included, but the price is right!



There are far too many videos of this device out there (which only indicates I'm not alone), but here is my favorite. The fact I like this video only serves to reinforce the idea that I am a creepy middle aged guy. Yep.

Love the Titles

If one were to see a website named "factvideos.com," an encyclopedia might come to mind, or one might think that this site would be full of useful information via multimedia. However, subtitles to the search reveal this site "demostrates state-of-the-art Restraint, Control, and Tactical Handcuffing Techniques." Finally, one learns that "fact" is an acronym for Fast Action Control Techniques. The picture on the front page says it all for this site. Maybe it's not porn, this factvideos website, but I feel there's an obvious subtext.

Jawbreakers

These videos are a good example of what we post. There is nothing innately pornographic about any of the videos below. There is no nudity or foul language and there isn't any sex going on (all links here are safe for work). It is simply two girls trying to stuff large balls in their mouths. There's just something about that. Thanks to YouTube, the multibillion dollar website for exhibitionists, such moments are frequently captured and shared for all the world to see.





Who knows what the intent is behind the actions here? I'm more interested in the reaction they provoke. So what's the reaction to this?