Mrs. Unintentional Porn Wife #1 occasionally drags my sorry arse to the mall. I don't like malls and never have. When I was a teenager I didn't like them because I was awkward (ok, a total effing geek), and I don't like them now that I'm in my 30's because I'm "that guy". I'm getting a little close to 40 to be attractive to MILFs, I've long since become creepy to women under the age of 22, and your average 28 year old woman thinks married guys approaching 40 have far more money than I have. Pretty much everyone thinks I'm lame.
Which gives me one solution: head to Brookstone or the now-departed Sharper Image and check out the useless overpriced junk that will be in tomorrow's bargan bin. One of those items? the $299 (was $599 - guess this isn't that necessary in a recession when a lap dance is $20) iGallop. It is an exercise device. Seriously. Apparently some doctor (or other dirty-minded individual) decided that riding horses was a great abdominal exercise. And since horses are expensive to feed and they crap a ton, what better way to give the masses a way to experience the same exercise than a device that mimics the motion of a horse - of course! Pretty much just a lightweight home mechanical bull for wimpy soccer moms that couldn't possibly stay on a mechanical bull even if it was controlled by John Travolta; but heck, the results are the same. Unfortunately, a white t-shirt and bucket of cold water isn't included, but the price is right!
There are far too many videos of this device out there (which only indicates I'm not alone), but here is my favorite. The fact I like this video only serves to reinforce the idea that I am a creepy middle aged guy. Yep.
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I don't want to call us middle-aged yet, just mid-thirties. Unfortunately, to some that does mean middle-aged and you're also right about the "in-between" space we fall into: young enough that we feel we should still be attractive but old enough that we're far from our best days, and it's very possible that we never knew when we were in our best days. We also fall into the "Be Married or Something's Wrong" age fallacy. Fortunately, we each have an understanding Unintentional Porn Wife (not that it means we're aren't weird or creepy; see this blog, for example). It's never easy to accept that you're not what the vast majority of girls are looking for. It'd be cool to be someone to swoon over, but what the hell. Just wait 'til you have children. It's common to see a pack of women headed your way, but not for you. They're always swooning over someone else, but that's okay. Others video themselves in a sex machine disguised as exercise and somehow that makes the world right.
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