Unintentional Porn

Two Things That Go Together Well

2009-11-18T23:12:00.002-05:00

Olivia Munn and gyration.

Simple enough.

Nice when "exercise equipment" provides this kind of workout. Even better when someone as attractive as Ms. Munn is willing to be filmed using it.

I Miss the Old Catalogs

2009-04-08T10:07:00.006-04:00

JC Penney, Dillards, Mervyn's, and Sears catalogs were a lot more unfiltered back in the 80's. Some pages were precursors to the Victoria's Secret catalog, probably without meaning to be so. The selection below from a 1980 JC Penney catalog is relatively innocent, but I'm glad someone thought "Squeeze Play" would be perfect for a night shirt.

Somehow, this photo also reminds me of the Slumber Party Massacre II movie poster. Could it be from the same photographer. Probably not. Maybe that's just me. My mind goes that way. Sorry.

Parts and Tools (Naughty!)

2009-04-04T11:08:00.003-04:00

This actually comes from another I place write. Guess I been on the lookout for unintentional porn longer than I thought. Back in 2006, I was helping proof a machine parts catalog. The excrutiating dullness of the work made my mind wander to almost anything. After the puns on machine parts were exhausted and I'd listened to the same old time radio episodes three times each, I found amusement in the actual work I was supposed to be doing. It's all Beavis & Butthead, but hey, proofing five hundred pages of screws, nuts and bolts shifted my mind that way.

The first to catch my eye were the ACME Threaded Rod Lubricants. Sounds porno, especially as it's listed next to the Threaded Studs and Acrylic Extruded Balls. These parts are not the names of schlong-endowed male porn stars (although I don't think Threaded Rod is currently taken), these are industrial parts that keep our American machines running. After checking the spelling of Shaft Adapters (it's not Adaptors), I got to thinking that any Threaded Stud certainly wouldn't need any Shaft adaptation.

Next up was the section with Nipple Wrenches. These are actual industrial tools. The final winner of the day were the Prick Punches. My mind is doomed to filth, but it has helped get me through the day more than once. This was probably the only secret perk that proofreading has. Unless one is proofing for Playboy, I suppose, but that wouldn't carry the humor of Extruded Balls.

Watch It With the Pointy Thing!

2009-01-22T14:05:00.007-05:00

This comes courtesy of the Mego Museum, a rather impressive collection of old-time toys:

I'm assuming that this posing is supposed to be Wonder Woman and "Nubia" engaging in combat. Looks like Wonder Woman's about to become a real amazon (you know...how the Greek translation of "a-mazos" means "without breast" and how there's the tradition that Amazons cut off one boob to...oh hell, just read the damned Etymology section of the friggin Wikipedia article). Actually, the pose is rather open to interpretation. Could be that Wonder Woman is opening her arms to embrace the glittery Diana Ross lookalike? You decide, but what's with the sword placement?

Speaking of which, how many of us would've been happy to have Wonder Woman in our pocket?

Anyway, the Megomuseum website has plenty of things to see. If you were born between 1970 and 1975, you'll certainly appreciate the kids' outfits on the front page.

In the meantime, as a blog-to-blog plug to neatorama.com, enjoy girls bathing at the KFC.

This Is Not Porn; It's Art

2008-12-31T15:47:00.006-05:00

Err, really?

That's Rembrandt's painting of Greek mythology; Andromeda chained to the rock as a sacrifice for the Kraken. The stamps of legitimacy for this are that it's by a recognized Renaissance artist and it's depicting a scene from classic mythology.

Okay, that's fine. It's also a painting of a chained up naked lady. Today, there are plenty of websites labeled "pornographic" that would show the same image, but not the same context, obviously. So let's see some more examples.

Okay, that's the extremely well-known sculpture of David by the classical artist Michelangleo. It's also a giant, naked man.

So we've established the artistic legitimacy attached to this sculpture, and for many, additional legitimacy would come from the statue depicting the biblical figure of David before he does combat with Goliath. Yet, this approximately 17 foot tall statue and it's rather oversized proportions might raise some questions from those unfamiliar with the statue's contexts and established legitimacies. After all, what is the point of a giant statue of a nude man? Art, yes, but what else?

Finally, consider this:

That's a statue from Daniel Edwards acting as champion for the pro-life movement. If you don't believe me on the statue's application, here's an article. This is a naked Britney Spears giving birth to her first son on a bear skin rug. More specifically, a naked Britney Spears on all fours in a rather sexualized position. Yes, she's giving birth, so that would leave sex out at that particular moment, but it certainly isn't the most conducive postion for giving birth. Her back and belly would be in enough discomfort without the unnecessary distortions that this statue would have her do.

But I'm not here to argue the best birthing positions, nor am I here to argue that these depictions are pornographic or not. I am curious as to the motivations behind these artworks. What was going through Rembrandt's mind as he painted Andromeda? Michelangelo clearly took great time and care to craft every part of his David statue, but did his thoughts range through many dynamics as he created different parts of David's body? Finally, what was REALLY going through Mr. Edwards mind as he created his sculpture of a recognized American sex symbol?

Are these pieces intended to be "porn" or do they become that way from the reactions they provoke? I'm thinking that many things that are considered art could also be constitued as "porn" from certain standpoints. "Porn" has its obvious negative connotation. "Art" has an altogether different and ambiguous connotation. Do these definitions apply to the motives behind the artists, the reactions to the pieces, or a combination? Just something to chew on beside the champagne or x-rated video people might enjoy this fine New Years Eve. Cheers!

Debbie Does Dance Studios

2008-12-11T14:43:00.008-05:00

I believe that there's always a subtext to dancing. There's a form of intimacy at stake whether it's just jumping around at a club or a specific routine with a partner in formal dance. Ideally, dancing occurs with people of a certain comfort level, one that allows bodies to be in close proximity. This intimacy can be problematic when searching for partners when one is single and/or teenaged. For my school dances, this intimacy was usually denied or feared from potential partners. This is why I spent most school dances getting close to the gymnasium wall. Even a small potential for greater intimacy was one reason my alma mater (which will remain nameless) did not allow dancing on campus. This actually saved me from having to get familiar with other gym walls, but something that wasn't policed was dance classes. These remove the physical barriers to dancing because partners are assigned and you have to get closer to learn together. Since it's "education," the taboos are gone. Leaving aside the physical contact as well as the dance-appropriate outfits that can create stimulating situations, consider the stretching. I assume there's no need to explain the unintentional stimulations of stretches.

But then there's the Simply Circus studio: not only is stretching recorded and explained, it's done so in the photographic style of late 70's porno. Also mind-boggling is this dance studio's (lack of) dress code. Still, it seems to put a lot of effort into the teaching of stretch. There's the Front Bend Warm-Up Exercise, a same exercise if you're incredibly limber, there's warming up the legs, the always favored arching of the back (the final picture especially), and of course the splits, a long time favorite. This dance studio sure looks like it was in full swing during some of my more awkward days. I sure see a few mid-80's dance outfits in those pictures. Wish I'd been learning stretching at this studio instead of gym wall patterns during those days.

Chicks With Guitars, Post II

2008-12-06T12:23:00.003-05:00

A follow up for the little more hardcore crowd. Again, not necessiarily "unintentional porn" but a good excuse for a post, considering it is a picture of a woman holding a long object. And closing her eyes.

Lisa Marx, formerly lead guitarist of Kittie.

Politicians...gotta love 'em

2008-12-02T18:14:00.006-05:00

I nearly titled this post "Republicans, gotta love 'em" but then I recalled a certain Democratic president that forever changed how we all view cigars. But while Clinton took his Monte Cristo to a consenting adult woman, Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) just can't keep his paws off his 11-year old granddaugher in this Thanksgiving advertisement. Unintentional? Check. Very creepy? Oh yeah.

The "money shot" is at the end - just after the young girl says, "Vote for my BIG daddy".

A Wii Unexpected

2008-12-01T22:38:00.007-05:00

Nintendo did nice work in cross-marketing their game console to women with the Wii Fit. Notice how the first family member to be tested for the Wii Fit is Mom? Did anyone also notice the ads for the Wii Fit on buses and billboards featuring an attractive girl in her modest yoga gear, looking vibrant and fit? Still, something's amiss upon further investigation and application of this device. Click "Next" on the introduction page within the Wii Fit link above, and there's an eerily violating "body scan" while one's balance is being measured. Within the demo video, the same odd "Mom" character appears as a spokesmodel and tries out the Wii with her family (how nice of the Wii, by the way, to let you know if you're underweight, normal, overweight, or even OBESE during your body scan!). Still, the intentions behind the Fit are entirely fitness-oriented, right? A way to marry the gaming world with the fitness world; that is, until we meet this fellow and his girlfriend. Of course someone had to video his girlfriend doing Wii exercises in her underwear, earning two million hits on YouTube, also known as the Multibillion Dollar Exhibitionist (intentional or unintentional) Network. This post falls into the halfway unintentional as the star of video is not aware of what she's creating, yet the creator of the video is as frat-boy intentional as can be. While posting this video probably falls under gross violation of privacy (are these two still dating, and is she really "enjoying her fame," really?), the boyfriend certainly knew an unintentional porn moment when he saw it. I'm curious as to the honest reaction the girlfriend had in discovering that this moment was out for all the world to see. Seems a wee convenient that she initially "screamed down the phone" (thank you British press) during the initial discovery but now is totally fine with it. A Wii conspiracy? Time will tell. In the meantime, enjoy that "wiggling bottom" and other British Bosom Buddies.

Chicks With Guitars

2008-11-22T08:15:00.005-05:00

Ok, so this isn't really unintentional porn. It is quite intentional, and mostly safe for work with the exception of the odd nipple-slip. Big deal, you say? Well, guitars are quite phallic (and in my mind, everything is either phallic or boob-shaped), and if you can get a barely-dressed woman to hold something that resembles that member, even better. I think it crosses a psycological line that men instantly recognize...and women really hope does not exist.

The problem becomes choosing which unintentional porn photo/video to select for the blog, along with the attendant questions assocated with that post. Do women understand that pretty much anything involving a picture of them can - and will - be used as wank material?

So, the first "chicks with guitars" [and I use that term out of historical usage - any one who can rawk - regardless of gender - has earned my praise] post goes to Tuuli - a now defunct Canadian band that came to my attention because of their presence on the Maple Music label (whose most prominent signed band are the Cowboy Junkies). I think...well, I think all four members are hawt. And...they can play - granted, it is on the lighter side, but what the hey. I'll go more hardcore next time. But a big thumbs up to Tuuli - they bring back some respect back to the word "talent".

Exercise is just another word for "perverted"

2008-11-21T18:51:00.001-05:00

I hate the gym. I don't like going, I don't really like the whole concept. About the best part of the gym is watching people in workout clothes hunt for the closest parking spot. But I apparently like exercise devices because this is the third exercise device I've discovered that appeals to my sense on unintentional porn. I rate this one as the lowest of the three (I love the iGallop so much, I might get one for Mrs. Unintentional Porn Wife #1 for Christmas just so I could watch her on it...) but it is still worthy of note.

This one is the Easy Curves device. Easy Curves is a spring loaded workout device resembling....um...a rod. A woman can use the "rod" for "sculpting a beautiful bustline through a full range of motion." Watching the video I'd guess it also has a second effect: makes it so a woman can get a good grip on your long, thin, spring loaded device. Which is useful too when you really think about. If there is one thing the Easy Curves delivers, it is the complete package. Brilliant!

Click on the link to video and photos as the owner appears to be rather protective of their copyright. For the perverted lawyers out there, you can also view the patent.

What Kind of Party Is This?

2008-11-20T13:02:00.005-05:00

I really got a chuckle out of the Disney Princess who will come to your party that I posted yesterday. To be fair, the actress/entrepreneur who advertises herself on this site makes it perfectly clear on the site's home page that her services are for children's parties. But then, our site is about the "unintentional," and the first time I found this picture, I swore it was for an adult site. Fetish is all about fun, after all, and the closing line of that page says, "The Little Mermaid can do all the activities." What activities she can do is not specified on that page. Coming into the site and bypassing the home page like I did might create a different first impression. Someone organizing a "special party" or Disney Fetishists Convention might look to have Tinkerbell, Sleeping Beauty, or to "Bring a piece of Oz to your party" (careful how you pronounce Oz) with Dorothy. I'm sure this lady is very nice and provides great entertainment at children's parties. Children's theater is a lot of work, especially when the kids are yelling, throwing things, or not into the show. Plus, this girl appears to be the only on-stage talent for this company. Power to her. I do suggest that she update her website banner so that certain weirdos don't stumble on to the site thinking it's something it's not. Also, don't write your bio in the third person. That is weird, despite the lovely photo. Piece of Oz indeed.

How'd We Get to That?

2008-11-19T09:33:00.010-05:00

Herbal Essences defined their brand by being "unintentionally" sexy. It's never explained why washing hair with Herbal Essences makes women climax anytime, anywhere, but that's not the point. It's also convenient that someone's always in earshot so that everybody enjoys the girl getting off. The example below (with bonus Australian accent!) is filled with the oops-I'm-naughty dialogue, adding comedy to deflect any guilt felt listening to a hot model get her rocks off. Closing line and the expression from the goofy male part of the couple clearly takes away from the "unintentional," but bear with me.

This is smart advertising in that people have a distinct association with Herbal Essences thanks to these ads. At least their marketing department gets the joke. Other marketing bits start off with (probably) no sex in mind but evolve into something else. Case in point: Erin Esurance. Do a Google image search and you'll find plenty of not-safe-for-work links. The esurance website has designed a virtual pad for any voyeur to peek into her life; click on the "Erin's World" tab and you can even read her Secret Diary! Don't expect anything titillating from the esurance site, but rest assured, there's plenty of other online places to find sexed-up renderings of a cartoon character. Even in the storyboards of the company that creates the commercials (frame 5 especially).

Intentional or unintentional? Maybe that question is also not the point. It's just interesting that something seemingly innocent could evolve into something very sexually charged. Know what I mean?

There appears to be some confusion here...

2008-11-17T18:32:00.008-05:00

Mrs. Unintentional Porn Wife #1 occasionally drags my sorry arse to the mall. I don't like malls and never have. When I was a teenager I didn't like them because I was awkward (ok, a total effing geek), and I don't like them now that I'm in my 30's because I'm "that guy". I'm getting a little close to 40 to be attractive to MILFs, I've long since become creepy to women under the age of 22, and your average 28 year old woman thinks married guys approaching 40 have far more money than I have. Pretty much everyone thinks I'm lame.

Which gives me one solution: head to Brookstone or the now-departed Sharper Image and check out the useless overpriced junk that will be in tomorrow's bargan bin. One of those items? the $299 (was $599 - guess this isn't that necessary in a recession when a lap dance is $20) iGallop. It is an exercise device. Seriously. Apparently some doctor (or other dirty-minded individual) decided that riding horses was a great abdominal exercise. And since horses are expensive to feed and they crap a ton, what better way to give the masses a way to experience the same exercise than a device that mimics the motion of a horse - of course! Pretty much just a lightweight home mechanical bull for wimpy soccer moms that couldn't possibly stay on a mechanical bull even if it was controlled by John Travolta; but heck, the results are the same. Unfortunately, a white t-shirt and bucket of cold water isn't included, but the price is right!

There are far too many videos of this device out there (which only indicates I'm not alone), but here is my favorite. The fact I like this video only serves to reinforce the idea that I am a creepy middle aged guy. Yep.

Love the Titles

2008-11-17T09:07:00.007-05:00

If one were to see a website named "factvideos.com," an encyclopedia might come to mind, or one might think that this site would be full of useful information via multimedia. However, subtitles to the search reveal this site "demostrates state-of-the-art Restraint, Control, and Tactical Handcuffing Techniques." Finally, one learns that "fact" is an acronym for Fast Action Control Techniques. The picture on the front page says it all for this site. Maybe it's not porn, this factvideos website, but I feel there's an obvious subtext.

Jawbreakers

2008-11-17T09:00:00.005-05:00

These videos are a good example of what we post. There is nothing innately pornographic about any of the videos below. There is no nudity or foul language and there isn't any sex going on (all links here are safe for work). It is simply two girls trying to stuff large balls in their mouths. There's just something about that. Thanks to YouTube, the multibillion dollar website for exhibitionists, such moments are frequently captured and shared for all the world to see.

Who knows what the intent is behind the actions here? I'm more interested in the reaction they provoke. So what's the reaction to this?

Huh. Someone thought this was innocent?

2008-11-16T07:52:00.003-05:00

"Even with all the workouts that I had done in the past, I had never gotten the results that I got with the Flirty Girl Fitness program. I mean 23 inches - that's huge!" Vanessa M.

Bawahhahahahahaha!

The other night I woke up around 2:00am unable to sleep. Not wanting to disturb Mrs. Unintentional Porn Wife #1 I got out of bed and plopped myself on the couch to watch some Comedy Central.

Betweeen commercials for Girls Gone Wild and Hydrolux was one for the Flirty Girl Fitness DVD pack. Website even has the "As seen on TV" logo. Order the deluxe pack now and get a free stripper pole for your living room. I kid you not. This website could keep you busy for days, including the statement "If you really want to spice up your results" in a manner that has nothing to do with increasing the number of $1 bills you bring home at the end of the night.

Kit Includes:• Flirty Girl Signature Fitness Pole • 7 Flirty Girl DVDs: Booty Beat, Chair Fit, Chair Dance, Just Teasing, Abs & Booty, Beginner Pole, & Pole Fit all stored in 2 keepsake boxes. • Plus the full color Flirty Fit & Fabulous booklet, and a pink feather boa so you can unleash your inner diva!

Yes, but is it science?

2008-11-15T08:29:00.004-05:00

We all see it, some of us say "ouch" as they run past: a woman jogging that really, really needs to see herself in a mirror. You'd think the US Womans Soccer Team ten years ago would have made women realize that a sports bra is a good thing. But too many haven't got the message.

But even more so, how do women trying to do something about it figure out which of the apparently 33 possible sports bras is right for her? How about full motion video of a woman wearing each of those 33 models of sports bras jogging on a treadill?

I don't think the women running the HerRoom store had this blog in mind when they created those videos. Thanks go to Mrs. Unintentional Porn Wife #1 for finding this link.